I Just Felt The Loss

Have you ever had a loss? A person near and dear? Well five years ago I had that loss. My father passed. The family went through all the motion with his passing. Before I knew it, the memory of my dad was, well a memory. As time went on, I never really felt the loss. They say there is a morning period, a grieving period and time where you really feel the loss. But this never came. I moved on. I started to live my life and deal with the day today issues of life. I reestablished myself and jumped headfirst in life. I was able move through each day and not think of the loss. Everyday day got easier and easier. Then the next thing I knew the years were passing by. Time was flying by faster than one could imagine. Occasionally, I would think of him. My brother and I would reminisce of things of the past. We would share stories of the good the bad and the ugly. I asked him at one time did he miss dad? His answer was no! So, you see I guess everybody has their own way of dealing with loss. Well, there was one night, I was sitting by myself watching a TV program. Don't ask me why but for some reason this program set something off in my mind that was deep. Deep with the memory of my dad. Memories started to flood my mind of him. Most of the memories were good. The bad ones were just washed away. I sat there and stared at this TV set, and the tears started to flow down my face. For the first time in almost six years, I felt grief, pain and hurt for a man who raised me. I don't know why it took so long for me to miss my dad and I don't know why I held it inside of me for so long. But on this night, I felt the loss. The loss of a man who was good to me in so many ways. As I sat there, I cried harder and harder sobbing like a baby. Loss, it's something that we all must go through and deal with it in our own ways. In some cultures, the loss or death of someone means the grieving for a year until life can go back to normal. In my case it was six years of wondering why I didn't feel the loss of my father. Well, I must tell you now that I've gone through this moment in my life to deal with loss I feel so much better about my dad and how things turned out between the two of us. God rest his soul. Love you, dad.

When I’ll Cry

 It starts as a lost thought, then it’s a whole moment of the day, and in the end, it’s just everything. Dementia, a debilating disease that causes one to lose there short term memory and not to long after, the loss of simple and not so simple thoughts. 

Mom turned 85 and she was in great spirts. Her birthday was special. We took her to dinner sat around the table and had a few drinks. But, there was something askew. Mom was’nt as sharp with her answers and she struggled to remember sstories and names of friends. We at the time, joked it up to the two glasses of wine she had. 

Weeks went on and the simple things that were everyday turn complicated. Slowly mom was losing her presents in time.  Sometimes she would struggle with what she had for lunch, to not remembering some small tasks she had done that day.

Needless to say, this part of her life is stressfull, to her and to others around her. So what is needed, is to be in that moment. Live for that exact moment and enjoy it. There will be times where she will remember everything, and those times, well their’s that blank stare and confusion. 

The hardest thought I have to deal with is the day, is mom forgeting me. The day she looks and wonders who I am. All the history and the moments we as a family have lived through. Gone!

I will cry the day you forget me. 

I Love You Mom, 

Brian, Remember? 

Sam

 The race was about to start. It was the fourth race of the day, and the number four horse was my pick. We, my Uncle Joe, and I were at Monmouth Racetrack where some of the finest thoro-breads could be found. Some even went on to win the Kentucky Derby. 

The horses were at the gate, the crowd was on its feet, and I hung over the rail looking at Sam. He was a tall stud, chocolate brown with big eyes. He must have stood seventeen hands tall. The jockey settled into place and Sam was Rammy and ready to go.

The bell went off and Sam lunged forward the second the gate opened. As they reached the first turn Sam drafted the number one horse. They moved swiftly to turn two. Sam stuck his head to the horse's right rear in front and the jockey pulled him back in line. It wasn't time to make a move. 

The speed increased leaving turn two and the first three horses started to break away from the pack. The three of them were so close, that it was a blur to see who was who. Nearer and near they moved to turn three. My pick, my horse Sam was about to make his move. The jockey moves him to the outside and by instinct, Sam moves up along with the other two. 

The next four to five seconds will be lost from my memory. All I can remember is Sam hitting the ground. Both other horses move away from him fast. The field of horses behind starts dodging right and left. The jockey got to his feet and just stood there shaking his head. 

The race is over, and Sam is still down. I look at my Uncle Joe and ask him what will happen to Sam. He'll be put down. Is there anything I could do?

We go to the stables to see. Sam has a Vet and the owner hovering over him. He tells the owner he has a broken leg and that it is bad. He tells the Vet what he needs to do. I spoke up and asked if there was something we could do. Yea, give me a thousand dollars. I told him sold. 

Sam's leg took a long time to heal. He now lives on a small but ample farm where most of his days he runs the paddocks like he is always going to come in first. 

Power in Me

 Turning sixty-two was important for me. I thought I was going to wake up an old man. All bent over, teeth falling out of my head and blurry vision. But it wasn't that bad. I looked into the mirror, and to my surprise, the same guy as yesterday was there. 

Getting older is a mindset. You need to look at how you want to be and how others see you. I feel forty and look just as good. I do need to lose a little weight and eat a little healthier. But overall, I feel awesome.   

I do have to add that I never set goals, I set objectives. Objectives get done. They're not a dream or a plan. An objective is something that needs to get done, period. So, in life, my objectives are placed first on the to-do list. So go ahead and set an objective. 

The next thing I learned about myself is truth. In the past and I mean for a long time. I would tell people what they wanted to hear. I would beat around the bush about a subject or truth. I am learning every day to confront this. I may hurt some feelings but I'm sorry it's the truth. 

Doing for me and not you. Again, I need to focus on what I want and not others. I don't need to please everyone. I really need to please myself. I need to start doing the things that I like to do and enjoy life just a little more. It really gets stuffy doing for everyone else. 

So, in closing, my life at 62 is amazing. Yes, there are things that I would love to change in my past, but this will never happen. So, the future needs to be set in motion. Spending time with God, family, and friends. Thinking clearly of all future decisions and setting objectives to be completed. 

So remember one thing! Have Love, Enjoy Life, and God Bless

Life does get better when you have Objectives. 

Pin-Wheels

The wind was blowing and I must say it was a hard wind. I knew it was out of the west because of the trees in the yard.  They were all bent over like a blade of grass.

I put the pinwheel into the garden to keep birds away and that the groundhogs wouldn't get a free meal. 

Then the pinwheel stopped. It just stopped. I walked over and looked. It looked as if there was nothing wrong with it. I reached down and gave it a spin. All the parts moved freely.

Stepping back, I looked over my shoulder. The wind was blowing. It was blowing hard. The trees are still bending.

The pinwheel stood silent. Why? I could only guess. Again, I checked it. Everything looked fine, I thought to myself. I could feel the wind blowing on my face and in my hair and the pinwheel still did not move.

And then a feeling, a weird feeling. Ghost-like. The wind stopped and the pinwheel spun. Like someone or something gave it a spin. Round and round it went making a wishing noise. It was steady and it got louder. Faster the pinwheel spun. Wishing noise, wishing noise. I watched, no wind, dead still. Pinwheel.

The wind picked up the pinwheel spun; the day went on. Who, What, Where, When? But! who am I to question such a thing? 



 

Silverton

It was a cold and windy night. The boats in the mooring were taking a beating. The winds were so strong the lines of the tie were never able to slack. A whistling sound could be heard from one of the boats. A hatch, partly open. Looking up at the creek, it was black. You couldn't see your hand in front of your face. Then the lighting started and now you could see the clouds building. Like when you're out for a ride, and you get nearer the mountains the larger they become.

More lighting. The storm wasn't going to let up. I went to the shop, picked up the phone, and began to dial. The phone had a static noise and then the ring went off. Hello, "hey Ben looks like I'm going to need some help", "I thought so, the winds are flipping the leaves on the trees". I'll be down as soon as I can, will you be all right until I get there? "Yes, I replied".

It felt like hours of waiting. The lighting was hitting closer and closer. I was praying under my breath that we wouldn't get a direct hit. Boom! The thunder rocks the shop. The walls and roof looked as if they were moving. Boom! Boom! More thunder and then immediate lightning. Come on Ben, get here.

Looking up at the long drive I can see Ben's light on the front of his bike. "Hey, I'm over here" I yell. But the wind is so loud he can't hear me. I yelled again. This time Ben looks my way. "My God, this night is crazy," Ben says. "We have one tree down at our house and two more on the next block over. So, what's our plan, he asks.

"Okay! look out at the lines on all the boats". Winds have become fierce since the beginning of the storm. More lightning and thunder, Boom! Boom! and now the rain has started to come down in sheets. "Ben, I plan to get our slickers on and start at the first mooring and loosen all the lines". If the lines on these boats aren't loosened there's a chance of losing a couple of boats and even some parts of the docks tonight.

As the boys start to put on their slickers up the creek there is something more ominous happening. The bridge's sleuth pipe is now being under-minded by the pouring rain. The roadway is crumbling.

What will happen next in the town of Silverton?     

Common Sense Christian

With all the going back and forth about how to be a Christian. I have decided to be a Commonsense Christian. Every faith has its own belief and interpretation of the BIBLE and or great emphasis on ritual. Well, this is it.

Have a common sense of the Bible, and what it says. Don't try to pick it apart and try to figure out what God has said. Sit back and enjoy what God has said. Let it sink in. Meditate on his work. It's so easy, but we as a human race want to turn it into something it's not.

So go out and spread the word, Yes God Said It, Spread the WORD...His Word.

Use it in your life. Short and Sweet.

God Said and that's it.

Have Love, Enjoy Life, and God Bless....